Not The Main Event
by Noritsu
Summary: The gang has gone to Beijing for some Olympics action. First Omi, then Jack, ruins things for everyone. Exciting, actiony, narrative/dialogue format courtesy of your friendly Olympics sportcasters Jan & Dan. Twoshot.
1. Not The Gymnastics Event

**Story set-up:** Okay, picture yourself sitting in your favorite comfy chair watching the tv and knocking back some snacks and soda. You're minding your own business, watching the men's gymnastics competition (in Ch. 2 it's the archery event) when suddenly all heck breaks loose on the competition floor. Jan & Dan (our friendly sportscasters) proceed to narrate the situation as it unfolds while you watch stunned, and saucer-eyed.

**Xiaolin Showdown**

**Not The Main Event**

Authoress: Noritsu

Disclaimer

I **do not** own the Xiaolin Showdown characters, or the Xiaolin Showdown universe. They are copyrighted and belong to Christie Hui and Warner Brothers.

The storyline, however, is mine. So no pilfering, please. Thanks.

**TUN** Publishing Company

June, 2008

**T**he**U**sual**N**onsense

**Not The Gymnastics Event**

Jan: "Welcome back to our coverage of the Olympics in Beijing. Benjamin is waiting for his scores to be finalized and posted, and, well, I have to say, there is some kind of commotion on the floor it seems."

Dan: "Yes, there is. This is very strange. A little yellow kid with no hair is on the floor. I mean, seriously, this kid is little. He looks like a five-year old. And he's talking to Benjamin about something."

Jan: "And Benjamin doesn't look too happy, does he?"

Dan: "No, indeed he doesn't. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that Ben looks downright incredulous. Look at him shaking his head. What on earth _is_ this kid saying to him?"

Jan: "He's actually waggling his finger at Benjamin. Do you see that?"

Dan: "This is the strangest thing I've ever seen. He's wearing a red and black outfit. I think everyone thinks that he's with another team. Do you see any security yet?"

Jan: "No, I don't. But the coach is trying to get this kid away from Benjamin, and -- Oh, my gosh, look! Now, this kid is talking to the coach!"

Dan: "Whoa, what's this? There's a guy running down the stairs a heckin'. And it looks like security's after him! Oh, my god! he just somersaulted over the railing! He's on the floor -- "

Jan: "He's making a bee line for the little yellow kid!"

Dan: "He looks older -- "

Jan: "He's wearing similar robes to the yellow kid, but the outfit's a bit more elaborate and there seems to be some kind of animal scrollwork on the sleeves."

Dan: "The little kid's just seen this other boy coming after him! Holy cow, he just took off! He's running!"

Jan: "And the older boy's after him --!"

Dan: "Past the Pommel Horse!"

Jan: "Oh, my god! The older kid just leaped over the Pommel Horse! He clean went over it in one jump! And he didn't even use the springboard!"

Dan: "The little kid's weaving through the the equipment! He's trying to get away from the older boy."

Jan: "Oh, look! The older kid just cut through under the Rings! He's gonna come up next to the little kid!"

Dan: "Oh! Oh! The little kid just jumped on top of the Vault!"

Jan: "The older kid's got him!"

Dan" "OH MY GOD! HE STUCK THE LANDING! DID YOU SEE THAT? HE HIT THE SPRINGBOARD, JUMPED UP, NABBED THE LITTLE KID RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF THE VAULT, CAME DOWN ON THE OTHER SIDE AND TOTALLY STUCK THE LANDING!"

Jan: "ONE-HANDED! He was holding the little kid with his other arm."

Dan: "OH, MY GOD!"

Jan: "SIGN HIM UP! SOMEBODY SIGN THAT KID UP! He stuck that landing better than some of the actual gymnasts we've seen today!"

Dan: "Listen to the crowd! They're going nuts for this guy!"

Jan: "That's the loudest I've heard them cheer all day!"

Dan: "Is that boy an American?"

Jan: "It's hard to say. He's got a tan. Or maybe he's naturally tan."

Dan: "He could be American. Or maybe South American, I suppose."

Jan: "The little kid's kicking his legs and waving his arms! He does _not_ look happy at all!"

Dan: "That older kid must be in charge of him or something."

Jan: "Well, it looks like security has finally caught up with these two."

Dan: "Oh, look! There's two more of them! A big kid with a cowboy hat and a little Asian girl. Does she look mad to you, Jan?"

Jan: "Yes, she does, Dan. You know, that's a pretty halter top she's wearing. I have one similar to that, but it's a lilac color. Oh, look! She's yelling at the little, yellow kid!"

Dan: "The cowboy's got ahold of the little kid's legs! Is he holding a lasso? I think he is! And the other boy with the brown hair is still hanging onto the kid's torso."

Jan: "The tan boy's talking with the security guards. It looks like he's being cooperative and trying to apologize, I think. You know, he must be in charge of the four of them or something."

Dan: "Well, it looks likes everything's going to get settled okay. I don't see security moving to slap any cuffs on anyone."

Jan: "And now security's leading them off and escorting them out the exit."

Dan: "And look at that girl again! Boy, she's ripping into that little kid! Oh, look, the kid's put his hands over his face, now. I guess he's giving up. Man, I'd hate to get on her bad side."

Jan: "Wow."

Dan: "Yeah. Wow."

Jan: "And poor Benjamin -- "

Dan: "Yes! In all this excitement, I'm afraid poor Ben's been forgotten! We're all still waiting for his scores to be posted. I wonder if the judges have even finalized them yet?"

Jan: "Well, honestly, this has got to be the most exciting occurrence that's happened here in Beijing so far, and that wasn't even an official Olympic event!"

Dan: "I wonder if we'll ever know who those kids were?"

Jan: "Hard to say Dan. But I guess we should be getting back to waiting for those scores."

Dan: "Yes, indeed, Jan. And it looks like the judges are getting ready to make their decisions known now."

Jan: "Well, before the scores are flashed up there on the board, I've just gotta say, that I don't think anything else _quite_ that exciting is going to happen again. What do you think, Dan?"

Dan: "Well, I think you're probably right. And I'd bet my last paycheck that those kids, whoever they were, are definitely _not_ going to be getting into any more events!"

Jan: "I think you're right about that, Dan. I think you're right about that. And now, here come those scores..."

**Later...**

Dan: "So, Benjamin, can you tell us what that little yellow kid was saying to you down there? Do you have any idea who he was or where he came from?"

Ben: "Dan, I have no idea who that kid was, or where he came from, and I hope I never see him again. I don't know how he got past security and got on the floor, but boy was that kid a little stuck up thing! You know what he was saying to me? Well, let me tell you. He actually had the nerve to be telling me that I was off on my rotation by an eighth of a millimeter! An _eighth_ of a millimeter! Off on my rotation! How could he possibly know that?_ Why_ would he know that! And who does he think he is that he can just come up to me and be telling me what I need to do and how I need to do it? And then he starts chastising my coach! I'm sorry, Dan. I don't mean to raise my voice on purpose. I'm just still really upset about this."

Dan: "Yes, I can understand, Ben. And believe me, I'm sure everyone in the stands, and everyone watching at home sympathizes with you on this. They're rooting for you Ben. Just remember that, and I'm sure you'll get through this very strange time okay."

Ben: "Well, thank you Dan. And I really appreciate everyone who's thinking of me right now."

Dan: "And I guess this is where we'll end this conversation for now. So let's break away for some commercial time."

**At the temple...**

Raimundo: "But, Master Fung, I've come up with the perfect punishment for Omi. And I _really_ want to dish out some punishment for Omi."

Master Fung: "Yes, Raimundo, I can see that you have; and that you do. And that is _exactly_ why you shall not enact it, but leave the matter to me."

Raimundo: "But, Master Fung -- !"

Master Fung: "Raimundo, I assure you I will deal with this in a satisfactory manner. Now you may leave, please. Omi and I have things of a behavioral nature to discuss."

Raimundo: "Fine. All right."

Master Fung: "Omi, is there any doubt in your mind that by the time I'm through with you, you are going to be one very sorry monk?"

Omi: "No, Master Fung. There is no doubt at all."

finis

* * *

So what do you think? Pretty good? Not so good? I know this is quite a departure from writing a 'normal' story.  
I've never done a story in narrative format before. And I'm honestly not sure that doing a story in a narrative format qualifies it as actually being a story. Still, I hope you like it okay.  
I was actually thinking (I, who have not yet written a sequel or companion fic to anything) that I might do a companion fic to this one. I thought I'd put Jack in it this time and have them all chasing after a Shen Gong Wu right in the middle of some event. I think that would be pretty cool.

TTFN, Nori  
_This is no pie!_


	2. Not The Archery Event

So sorry this took so long to write and get posted. Thanks to BlueEyes2014 for suggesting I write the final end section in normal p.o.v. I do think it worked out better than in the first one. Enjoy!

**Not The Archery Event**

Dan: Welcome back to our coverage of the Olympics in Beijing. We're here at the Archery Range where we're waiting for Natalie to take her turn shortly.

Jan: The Russian before her scored well, but Natalie is known for her consistency in hitting close to the bull's eye and for actually hitting the bull's eye as well.

Dan: Yes. Natalie is definitely the archer to beat at this year's Olympic games. And she is, of course, in first position and it's expected that she will stay there.

Jan: Indeed. Only something totally unforseen cropping up could unseat her at this point.

Dan: And let's watch Natalie now as she threads her arrow into the string. She brings her bow up…. Look at the intense concentration on her face. She's pulling the string back now. She looks like she's in the zone, as they say.

Jan: And she lets go…..

Dan: What?! What the heck?!

Jan: What's happening?

Dan: Who the heck is _that_ guy?

Jan: I don't believe this!! Some guy dressed in black has just come down from nowhere and grabbed Natalie's arrow right out of the air!

Dan: Holy Cow! Nat's running after him and screaming at him….

Jan: It's total pandemonium!

Dan: This guy has a little helicopter strapped to his back! And look at that hair. Flaming red!

Jan: Everyone is running after this guy screaming at him! He's laughing and waving the arrow he took in the air. It looks like he's talking to the athletes.

Dan: You know, Jan, I'd like to get myself a bow and arrow and shoot this guy myself.

Jan: The security people are running after this guy trying to -

Dan: Wait!! Wait!! What's that?

Jan: There's another guy running in onto the range into the fray! He's wearing some kind of ceremonial type robes it looks like!

Dan: He looks like a teenager! Oo, he looks really mad.

Jan: Can we get a close-up of the nutjob that's flying around with Nat's arrow?

Dan: Oh my gosh! He looks like a teenager too!

Jan: One of those weird goth kids. He's actually wearing make-up under his eyes.

Dan: Where'd that other kid get to?

Jan: There's another one now! There's another kid. He's wearing a cowboy hat and, and…. Does he have a lasso? I believe he does!

Dan: The boy in the red and black robes is jumping up and grabbing at the goth kid! It looks like the two of them are yelling at each other.

Jan: You know it looks like the security people don't seem to mind these other boys being here. I guess it's because they're trying to help?

Dan: Oh! The cowboy has just lassoed the goth kid!

Jan: Oh! Oh! The security guard just nabbed him! He nabbed the goth kid from behind!

Dan: Yep, he's on the ground now.

Jan: That's some pretty slick work, there. Wait! Did he just stomp on the security guard's foot?

Dan: I believe he did!

Jan: Oh, that's never a good thing to do to a member of the Chinese security force.

Dan: Well, it looks like the boy in the red and black robes has gotten the arrow back. Nat's running up to him.

Jan: And Nat's got her arrow back, now. Poor thing. Look at her crying. This is just awful. Well, at least -

Dan: Wait! What's he yelling! The goth kid is yelling something!

Jan: OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?

Dan: OH MY GOD, WE'RE BEING ATTACKED!

Jan: WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY FLYING ROBOTS!

Dan: WHAT'S HAPPE –

Announcer: We will now break away for some commercial messages. Please stay tuned for more coverage of the twenty-ninth Olympiad.

**Later that afternoon….**

Jan: Well, here we are in the studio in Beijing and let me tell you, we're still a little shaken up over what happened earlier this morning over at the archery range.

Dan: Yes. As you know, coverage was, rightfully, cut off when all the shooting began.

Jan: We're happy to report that no one was hurt. But, unfortunately, the archery event has been pushed back now to early this evening because there's a maintenance crew out there on the range trying desperately to clean things up, undo the damage that was done, and get things back into working order.

Dan: And so, we asked Natalie if she would be willing to join us here for now and tell us a little more of what transpired down there. Hi, Natalie. Thanks for joining us.

Natalie: Thanks, Dan. Your welcome.

Jan: First off, what happened was a few hours ago, now. Are you okay?

Natalie: Well, as you said, I'm still a little shaken up. The security was very good with getting everyone off the field quickly when the….laser bolts….or whatever they were, started flying. So we all pretty much went back to our respective rooms in the village.

Dan: So you've been in your room for most of the late morning and early afternoon hours, trying to calm down and pull yoursef together.

Natalie: That's right.

Jan: Can we go back, if you're up to it, to the events of this morning? Since you were down on the range you probably heard more than what we did.

Natalie: Well…. I'll try. Um….Well….. I strung up my arrow, and I was feeling really good about things. And when I pulled back and let go I just really felt that I was going to nail it. And then all of a sudden this guy drops down out of the sky and grabs my arrow! This freaky kid! And I just totally flipped out. He was screaming insults at us if you can believe that. He was waving the arrow at us and laughing and calling us "pathetic wannabe losers".

Dan: Wow, that's just…. Wow…. I don't even know what to say about that. Anyway, this arrow that you were using was a special arrow, correct?

Natalie: Yes. The arrow that I was using today is an arrow that my grandfather – who was an archeologist – found on one of his digs a long, long time ago. It's a very interesting artifact, and the fact that even after all this time it's still intact and working is amazing. But the Olympics people had reviewed it and they said they didn't believe that using it would provide me with any kind of unfair advantage, and it didn't break any of their rules regarding what kinds of arrows could be used, so they said it was okay.

Jan: So this is more than just an arrow, yes? This is actually kind of like a family heirloom.

Natalie: Yes, it is. It's very important to me that it stays in the family. I want to pass it down to my own kids someday. It's more upsetting than anyone can imagine that someone actually wanted to steal it from me!

Dan: So, going back again now to how events were unfolding. Do you have any idea who those other kids were? And what was that goth kid yelling before we were attacked?

Natalie: Well, I don't really know who those other kids were. But the boy in the red and black robes was yelling at the goth kid and telling him to give the arrow back. I have a vague recollection of him threatening the goth kid. Something about ripping out his liver…. I have to say that right now I'm harboring some regrets about not getting his name when he handed my arrow back to me. He seemed like a good kid, but I was just so upset at the time…. Anyway, the goth kid had been yelling back at him, but then, when the guard grabbed him he yelled 'Jackbots, attack!'

Jan: And so the robots that attacked us were 'Jackbots'. Unfortunately, that doesn't shed any more light on anything than what we already have. And also unfortunately, in the chaos and confusion following the robot attack, the goth boy managed to get away. We have no idea who he is.

Dan: Well, Natalie, we thank you so much for being able to come here and share some more information as to what happened today. We really hope you can get your focus back and go out there and nab that gold medal that we know you want.

Natalie: Thanks, Dan. I think the security is going to be double what it was this morning. And they're going to have people spread out into more different places. I just need to get the last few bits of my nerve back under control. But I think I'm going to do good.

Jan: Thanks again so much, Natalie. We'll make sure to keep you viewers informed with any new information regarding this incident as it becomes available. And now, let's go out to the Water Cube where the Synchronized Swimming event will soon be getting underway…..

**Very early the next morning…..**

Jack tossed and turned fitfully on his little twin bed downstairs in his evil lair. His nightmares were making fun of him. They taunted him because he couldn't even hold on to the Wu he had plucked from under the very noses of the Olympic athletes right out of the thin air. He was an idiot, they informed him. Instead of wasting time gloating, when he knew there were guards already gunning for him, he should have just taken off and gloated later. Like to Hannibal and Chase, for instance. He would have finally done something so impressive that they would have been forced to recognize him for the evil genius he truly was.

But, noooooo…. He had to waste precious time gloating….

The blast door suddenly detached itself from its hinges with a deafening, air-rending _bang_. Jack flipped over on his side, wild-eyed and immediately panicked, and clutched desperately at his bed sheet while he looked around his room for the cause of the noise. The cause presented itself to Jack in a rather immediate fashion and planted itself a mere hairsbreadth from his face.

Raimundo grabbed the fabric of Jack's werewolf pajamas and yanked him, quite unceremoniously, up into a sitting position.

"Omi and I broke into the U.S. building in the Olympic village a short while ago and retreived the Arrow of Truth. We replaced it with a fake arrow. Natalie shouldn't even be able to tell the difference. The real arrow is in _our_ possession. I don't want to see any pictures of any kind on the tv of you skulking around tormenting the athletes."

Jack frowned and engaged in a weak attempt to grasp at his senses. "What do you think you're – "

Rai cut him off. "If you do anything – _anything_ – to wreck any of the events that are left in the Olympics, I will hunt you down, drag you back out to the archery range, gut you like a fish and leave your bleeding, dead body lying there for your mother to see."

Jack swallowed involuntarily and whimpered.

"Do you understand?"

Seeing as how he was unable to speak at the moment, Jack merely nodded.

"Good."

Satisfied that he was hearing the truth, Rai dropped Jack back down onto the bed and got up and left, leaving a wholly terrified Jack behind him in his wake.

Outside, Omi studied him with some concern. "You wouldn't really gut Jack and leave him for dead…. Would you?"

Rai smiled a thoroughly pleasant smile. "Gee, I don't know, Omi. Would I?"

Omi frowned and tried to discern whether or not Rai's body language and countenance suggested that he was truly kidding – or not.

Rai laughed softly. "No, Omi. I am not going to kill, or otherwise harm, Jack in any manner. But Jack doesn't know that, now does he?"

Omi turned this statement over in his mind until he was certain that he understood. "Ah," he said, "you have engaged in fakeness towards him."

Rai's laugh deepened and he shook his head. "I _faked him out_, Omi."

Omi nodded. "I believe that is what I said."

Back in the lair, Jack fell once again into a restless, uneasy sleep. This time, his nightmares seemed to consist, in different variations, of him being an aquatic animal with a large, very sharp knife chasing after him…..

finis

* * *

Sorry there's only two of these. I ought to do this again in two years for the Winter Olympics. Hmmmm... I wonder what winter events I could wreak havoc with...?

Nori


End file.
